recognizing (and coming to terms with) a need for healing...

Part of my 'learning to dance in the rain' is checking things off of my Bucket List.  There are many crazy and fun things; like sky-diving, a hot-air balloon ride, traveling Europe and bungee jumping to name a few. But there are also quite a few more subtle and practical things on my bucket list too, one of which is going to Graduate School.  Below you'll find the first paper I wrote for my very first Grad Course.  I am sharing this with you because I firmly believe that many of us do not grasp how vital it is to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. Being in ministry for so many years I have heard this sort of thing many times. However, it is easy to hear something and yet another to believe and take action upon something.

Just as I hope that my Journey of learning to dance in the rain encourages others to live life fully and to not waste one single day, I hope that my own personal journey towards complete healing…emotionally, physically and mentally…can encourage others to look inward and pursue the same healing in themselves. Believe me, I am not thrilled about admitting my own need for healing, nor am I remotely okay about what this process will entail, however, the truth is most all of us need healing of some sort for some thing, and the longer we deny this the longer we will continue to hurt, to ache and not be as effective and rich in our relationships as we could be.  My view of counseling has always been, it's great….for others, just not me! For ME to go to counseling would mean that there is something severely wrong with me, that I am broken and that I am weak. Wow! What kind of logic is that!?  You are doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t!  

I find it very ironic that literally within moments of submitting my paper a friend posting the following link on Facebook  http://www.soulation.org/sturdyanswers/applause-for-a-crippled-soul/ 

I would strongly encourage you to take the time to hop over and read this article, especially if your view of counseling is much like mine was.

Coincidence? Maybe.  But for me, the truth is glaringly obvious. I think this entire article is spot on, but my favorite quote is this, "So is therapy self-centered? Yes and no. Therapy begins with the self in order to learn emotional truth and reality. But it doesn’t have to stop there. We can take an honest look at ourselves and enter into a transformational process. The self-knowledge can grow from a desire to be free from emotional pain, and can lead to expanding and deepening relationships with others and God."  So true. SO true.

 My Reaction to the First Night of Grad School:

New things and new situations always cause a momentary state of panic for me, and the first night of Graduate school was no exception. I worked myself up beforehand and was more panicked than usual, probably because of the reality of the extensiveness of this new step. Dabbling in counseling in a non-professional setting, even though it was often times by default, encouraged me to pursue counseling ‘for real.’ Realizing that I am embarking on a journey that has been on my heart for years is so incredibly exciting! I have dreamed about starting Graduate school for almost 10 years, but not knowing which path I wanted to pursue has kept me from actually starting the process. Now here I am, excited, thrilled to begin, but so nervous and apprehensive at the same time!

I have always been a good student, but unlike my husband and children, I’ve never been a 4.0 student. I realize that pulling a 4.0 is not required, but knowing that only A’s and B’s are accepted causes me to wonder if I am a good enough student. This is especially nerve-wracking when considering the mock counseling videos. Knowing that your skills (or lack thereof) are going to be graded and critiqued is more than a little intimidating to me.

I also become nervous when surrounded by groups of people I don’t know well. I feel that I am most effective when I am one-on-one, or in small groups, not larger groups. I enjoy meeting new people and making new friendships, but usually it takes me awhile to become accustomed to the ‘crowd.’ I think as much I don’t want to admit it, there is a part of me that just wants to be liked, appreciated and respected, and in meeting new people there is always a risk that no one could like you!

One thing that encouraged and impressed me about meeting my classmates was the number of them that are either currently involved in working with youth or desire to pursue working with youth upon graduation. For some reason I had not expected so many classmates to want to work with youth. After some of my experiences counseling youth and my observations watching some of my foster kids go through counseling I am more convinced than ever that we need quality, effective and passionate counselors dedicated to youth.

Perhaps the greatest source of apprehension for me is the idea that to be a more effective healer you might and probably do need to experience therapy yourself. Working with several high school students over the years has prompted me to consider some of the unresolved issues in my own life, and yet I have found many reasons not to delve into those issues and many of them still remain unresolved. In my mind I have known that perhaps I am not being as effective with some of these teenagers as I could be, and I have even realized that it is because of my own stubbornness in not seeking help for myself.

In my defense, I have actually sought counseling at three different times in my life. All three ended horrendously and left me more scarred than healed. I find it quite ironic that I am here today, in school for Counseling of all things! I do know that I want to be effective with the people I work with unlike the three counselors that I saw. I realize that part of being effective is being well-rounded in my approach and techniques, and I don’t believe that I can be truly well-rounded in my approach with others until I take the time to work through my own issues. What a very scary and unwelcome idea that is! Unresolved issues are messy and very painful and frankly I have no desire to ever bring them up again. The only redeeming factor is that I know and believe that I will truly be a better person and a much more effective counselor after I have tackled the ugly nitty-gritty of my own life.