Hair today, gone tomorrow

There are very few times that I think TV does a good job of portraying real life…but I gotta say that this seasons Parenthood is spot on, at least in one area.  I realize in this day and age (geez, I sound like my parents!) several TV shows title themselves as a 'reality show' of some sort, and while I suppose that they could be that for some people, I think in general most shows just represent the drama of it all, and not  the underlying nitty-gritty that most of us face.

For those of you unfamiliar with Parenthood, it is basically the life of this one family and all the different facets and scenarios that come with having many people in your family.   This season one of the main characters, Christina, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Obviously if you know me, or have read anything about me, you know that this strikes a chord very near to my heart, as I am just now 2 years post Breast Cancer diagnosis, chemo & radiation. 

I just finished watching a recent episode (ok, so it was 2 weeks ago, but hey! I finally got a chance to sit down & watch it!) and in this episode it went through the process of Christina losing her hair, and the many, many feelings and thoughts of despair that went through her head as she walked into this new phase of treatment. 

Let me just back up a second and say, I have met very few Cancer survivors who were not altered emotionally or mentally by losing their hair.  Yes, when you are diagnosed and you hear that word "chemo" part of you expects that you will be one of the millions that loses their hair, but part of you can't help hoping that you are one of the few who doesn't.  There are of course those few exceptions (mostly men though) that don't really care about losing their hair…I was not one of them!

That said, expecting you are going to lose your hair does not imply that you have accepted or have even begun to comprehend what this means for you and those around you.  I was completely unprepared for some of the remarks and emotion emitted from family and friends who while I'm positive meant well, totally failed at understanding and supporting me through this phase of treatment.  I'm not here to bash those faithful friends, but to hopefully cast a little bit of light on what goes through a cancer patients mind when losing their hair, so that God forbid, if you should experience this with your own family or friends one day, you might be a bit more prepared or understanding of the situation.

In this episode of Parenthood, Christina spits out in a fit of frustration words that I know I felt deeply and yet I'm not sure I could ever properly express…she said that she 'felt like a freak, that she has a port-a-cath in her chest, scars and bruising all over her body and to top it off, now she's bald and everyone keeps staring at her like she's a monster.'  I know the feeling, and I know how angering it is to be that cancer patient who just wants to go on with life as normal as it can be, and just when you think you can deal with it all, you can deal with being sick and feeling like your world just bottomed out, you lose your hair. 

The doctors told me there was a very, very slim chance with my kind of chemo that I would NOT lose my hair, and that it would start falling out in clumps, much like Christina's did.  At the time, having little kiddos at home, only 3 and 6 years old, I knew that this would be a scary process for them and I chose to have a 'Shaving Party' instead of waiting.  I took my hair, and they saw mommy choose to become bald, and I truly think in the end this was a much easier transition for all of us.  We tried to make it as fun as possible, hosting a party, having friends over, even letting the kids take turn chopping pieces of my hair out, and the hubs and my son even opted to go bald with me.  Baby girl wanted to go bald too, and begged and begged, but I just couldn't let her do that!  I did cut her hair short so she didn't feel left out.

But even though I chose when to lose my hair, it didn't mean that I didn't have the same feelings and the same frustrations that Christina felt.  I was angry…angry that a disease so out of my control was happening to me, and I couldn't do a single thing about it.  I was embarrassed…how many women do you see voluntarily walking around bald?  But probably worst of all, I felt like I had lost my identity.  I realize that my identity isn't wrapped up in hair, but come on, you can't tell me that you wouldn't feel different, wouldn't feel like a piece of you is missing if you lost your hair?  And as if losing my hair wasn't bad enough, I lost my eyebrows and then my eyelashes.  Now, I lost other hair too that I didn't mind losing! In fact I VERY much enjoyed not shaving my legs for months!! I didn't miss that at all!  But, losing my eyebrows and eyelashes did make me feel even more like a freak.  Suddenly, I didn't feel like a woman anymore.  I felt ugly, ashamed and embarrassed to be in public.  I would like to say there was a changing point for these emotions, but there wasn’t. 

Many friends would compliment me on how well I was handling losing my hair, or how strong I seemed in fighting this battle I was fighting. But the truth is, it was a façade.  I had to go out in public because I have a family and little kids that weren't okay staying at home for days on end. And because I couldn't just hole up at home alone, I sucked it up and tried to make the best of it.  But  underneath that façade I was still that woman, who wanted to seem pretty, who wanted to looked at because she's cute, not because she looks like a monster!  I hated people staring, and truth be told, had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion!  And unfortunately, it didn't matter I was wearing a scarf, or a wig, or a hat, or when I was just au natural….people still stared, and still had this look of 'what is wrong with her?' on their face, every where I went.  I had some wonderful friends who grouped together and bought me a custom made wig.  This thing was amazing! The guy met with me while I still had hair, and made a wig to match my natural color, cut and texture.  But the thing is, wearing a wig is hot & sweaty business…not to mention scratchy! And since I've never been one to spend hours on my hair or face, I would often opt for a scarf or nothing at all.  And people still stared. 

I can't tell you how many times I would be sitting in church…CHURCH of all places, and I would look over to catch someone staring!  I get it, I really do.  A bald person is interesting stuff….and certainly looks outside of the norm. But weren't any of these people taught manners growing up? In case you weren't, it is NOT polite to stare at people that look different than you!  It is not polite to ask questions about 'what's wrong with the other person?'  It's just not polite! 

Probably the worst scenario I encountered was from a young mother and her 3-4 year old. I was sitting in the waiting room while my kids were at gymnastics one night, and that day had chosen to go au natural.  So there I am with my bald head shining like a beacon in the night, and this little girl not even 2 feet away from me stares without abandon at my head, then my eyes, then back to my head, for a good few minutes. Then she turns to her mother and loudly asks her mother "what is wrong with that girl? Why doesn't she have hair?" After the collective gasp from all the other moms there, you could have heard a pin drop in that waiting room.  Instead of using that opportunity to teach her child that it's not polite to stare, or to ask questions in front of others, and to explain that sometimes people look different but that doesn't mean we need to treat them differently, this mother actually turned to me and said, 'you know, you might be sick or whatever, but you could've worn a hat or something!  I mean, think of the people you're offending!"

I was speechless.  In awe really, that someone could be so cruel.  Yes, being bald is different, but scary? Offensive?  Really???? 

I guess in the end, I would encourage you to be a bit more understanding.  Be more polite.  And don't be afraid to ask questions…just make sure they are the right ones!  There are some people who might be offended if you ask them about their hair, or if they are going through treatment, but in my experience, if someone is walking around bald, they would rather you ask what they are going through than to just sit and stare! 

I was diagnosed in May, started chemo & lost my hair in June, and was bald all through that following school year.  I will never forget how alone, and freakish I felt when I went to drop off and pick up my kids at school that whole year.  Not once, ONCE, did another mom offer encouragement, or ask me how I was doing, or anything!! But I tell you what I got more than my fair share of, stares.  Impolite stares. And plenty of talking behind my back…."I wonder what she's got? Is she sick?"  And while were on that note, be careful what you are saying in front of your children.  One of these tacky moms said things like "I don't like it when people walk around bald" and said it within earshot of my daughter.  So for the next few weeks, I heard nothing but "I don't like a bald mommy! I want you to have hair like other mommy's!"  Ouch.  Just dig the wounds a bit deeper please. Seriously people. We are adults, and you need to act like one!

I hope that the next time you encounter someone who is bald or going through cancer treatment, that you might take the time to first, get your silly questions and stares over with before you see that person, and secondly, that you might take the time to figure out appropriate questions or encouragement you can give that person. And by all means, please use the opportunity to teach your children how to handle a situation like that.  I know that my children had first-hand experience, and it was a tough way to learn, but I am so grateful that now when they see a bald person, they quietly ask questions from me first, and are very sensitive to the fact that this other person is sick, and usually ask if there is something they can do for them.  Most of the time, my sweet baby girl says something like "well, I think I'll pray to God to heal them."  How very sweet and thoughtful of her!! And I think, just the right thing to do. 

I would also encourage you to put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Think how awful they must be feeling, not just from treatment, but from knowing they look different….they are probably very upset inside, and feel very self-conscious about their appearance too.  A bit of sympathy (in the right way!) and a lot of understanding would help them tremendously. 

Hopefully this season of Parenthood is touching more than a few people, and encouraging them to be more thoughtful when someone is going through cancer.  I am reduced to nothing but a bucket of tears at the end of almost every episode, but still, I think the underlying education from this season….about cancer at least...is a very good thing