Insanity, pure Insanity!

A new year of soccer fun has begun, (I coach a high-school girls soccer team for a local private school) and with each new year comes that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach….the one that comes when I feel I'm being judged for my appearance, my weight, or my ability to perform fancy-dancy soccer skills in front of my girls.  Don’t get me wrong, there are actually many situations where I feel immediately judged or inadequate, but none grate me to the core quite like soccer season does.

Once upon a time,(pre-marriage /pre-knee / pre-back/ pre-C-sections /pre-kids/pre-cancer...or should we just say pre-the entire disfunctional body I'm currently inhabiting!?) I was skinny.  Maybe not today's societal view of skinny, but a healthy skinny.  The athletic, in shape and fit skinny.  I never, truly ever, worried about my weight or how I looked to others.  I was comfortable with myself, in shape, playing every sport I could find and I felt good inside & out about myself.  Honestly, I am not sure I even gave a second thought about my weight much at all, until LIFE happened that is. 

There is just something about being around these skinny, in shape teenagers that brings out the inner jealous beast in me and sends me on an immediate emotional roller coaster. I love each and every one of them dearly, but it still doesn't change the fact that it frustrates me that I don’t look the way I want to look. It makes me want to scream and shout "But I'm trying SOOO hard!" or, "I used to look like that!" 

Though not the ideal weight, and not remotely close to the ideal size, I try so very hard.  I have worked hard since my second child, almost 7 years ago! I work out 6 days a week, often times 2X a day!  I am consistently running more now than I've ran since college!  I have worked myself up to 4 miles at a time.  For the girl who had corrective braces for the first 7 years of her life just to walk normal, this is HUGE!  I bike, I swim, I lift weights, I do abs….heck, I've even done TWO Triathlons!! This girl is not sitting around eating bonbons! And yet, what do I have to show for it?  Well, that might not be the right phrase to use…let's say it just doesn't seem to make a difference in the weight dropping off.

And let me assure you that the diet has changed significantly.  I cook entirely from scratch, and within the past year have almost entirely cut out processed foods.  We are a 'whole foods' kind of family. I am gluten intolerant (so therefore gluten-free) and dairy free.  My diet is mostly veggies, fruits, protein and nuts.   Seriously!??? How am I NOT super skinny on this diet!

Often-times the view of being in shape and 'healthy' is being skinny, or wear a certain size; NOT with actually being healthy and working out.  THAT frustrates me. And while I should be content with the fact that I am healthy, I am strong, I am in far better shape than I have been in a long time, it's frustrating.  Especially when you hear the words like "wait coach, YOU run?" or "YOU workout?" and my new personal favorite, "YOU'RE thinking about training for a half-marathon? Ouch.  And then they quickly back-pedal! "well I just assumed…well I just thought…well I dunno it seems like…." 

I realize we are all guilty (myself included) of stereotyping people and making poor assumptions at times.  But why is it that we are so consumed by an image?  Why is it that one is not deemed healthy if they're packing on a few extra pounds?  Should they be the ideal weight?  Who defines that ideal weight?  And shouldn't each person have a different ideal weight based on their body composition?

I've weighed that 'ideal weight' (back in highschool!) and looking back I look anorexic.  Personally I don't care to look that thin again. And where is the grace and love and understanding for others?  Perhaps you don't know why they are the weight they are. Perhaps there are changes in their body that are beyond their control right  now.  Perhaps they aren't just gorging themselves at the buffet every night and perhaps they really do run and workout! 

Obviously I need to work on my thinking,  and I need to work on taming that jealous beast. Instead of feeling compelled to explain what this body has been through, I need to just rest in the fact that I know I am healthier than I have been.  I am doing all the right things, and eventually, hopefully, when I am off the cancer drugs and they stop messing with my hormones, my weight will head in the right direction.

Here's my caution and challenge to you today: stop and think before blurting out unnecessary and deflating words that might hurt someone, and assume the best.  Maybe they really could kick your patootie in Insanity! Or maybe they really ARE training for a Half-Marathon.  Even if they're not, what motivation are you giving them to change and fight for health if you just criticize them??  Stop for a minute and realize that health is much, much more than being skinny or being a certain size.  Another persons optimal health is not always going to look the same as your optimal health.