recognizing (and coming to terms with) a need for healing...

Part of my 'learning to dance in the rain' is checking things off of my Bucket List.  There are many crazy and fun things; like sky-diving, a hot-air balloon ride, traveling Europe and bungee jumping to name a few. But there are also quite a few more subtle and practical things on my bucket list too, one of which is going to Graduate School.  Below you'll find the first paper I wrote for my very first Grad Course.  I am sharing this with you because I firmly believe that many of us do not grasp how vital it is to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. Being in ministry for so many years I have heard this sort of thing many times. However, it is easy to hear something and yet another to believe and take action upon something.

Just as I hope that my Journey of learning to dance in the rain encourages others to live life fully and to not waste one single day, I hope that my own personal journey towards complete healing…emotionally, physically and mentally…can encourage others to look inward and pursue the same healing in themselves. Believe me, I am not thrilled about admitting my own need for healing, nor am I remotely okay about what this process will entail, however, the truth is most all of us need healing of some sort for some thing, and the longer we deny this the longer we will continue to hurt, to ache and not be as effective and rich in our relationships as we could be.  My view of counseling has always been, it's great….for others, just not me! For ME to go to counseling would mean that there is something severely wrong with me, that I am broken and that I am weak. Wow! What kind of logic is that!?  You are doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t!  

I find it very ironic that literally within moments of submitting my paper a friend posting the following link on Facebook  http://www.soulation.org/sturdyanswers/applause-for-a-crippled-soul/ 

I would strongly encourage you to take the time to hop over and read this article, especially if your view of counseling is much like mine was.

Coincidence? Maybe.  But for me, the truth is glaringly obvious. I think this entire article is spot on, but my favorite quote is this, "So is therapy self-centered? Yes and no. Therapy begins with the self in order to learn emotional truth and reality. But it doesn’t have to stop there. We can take an honest look at ourselves and enter into a transformational process. The self-knowledge can grow from a desire to be free from emotional pain, and can lead to expanding and deepening relationships with others and God."  So true. SO true.

 My Reaction to the First Night of Grad School:

New things and new situations always cause a momentary state of panic for me, and the first night of Graduate school was no exception. I worked myself up beforehand and was more panicked than usual, probably because of the reality of the extensiveness of this new step. Dabbling in counseling in a non-professional setting, even though it was often times by default, encouraged me to pursue counseling ‘for real.’ Realizing that I am embarking on a journey that has been on my heart for years is so incredibly exciting! I have dreamed about starting Graduate school for almost 10 years, but not knowing which path I wanted to pursue has kept me from actually starting the process. Now here I am, excited, thrilled to begin, but so nervous and apprehensive at the same time!

I have always been a good student, but unlike my husband and children, I’ve never been a 4.0 student. I realize that pulling a 4.0 is not required, but knowing that only A’s and B’s are accepted causes me to wonder if I am a good enough student. This is especially nerve-wracking when considering the mock counseling videos. Knowing that your skills (or lack thereof) are going to be graded and critiqued is more than a little intimidating to me.

I also become nervous when surrounded by groups of people I don’t know well. I feel that I am most effective when I am one-on-one, or in small groups, not larger groups. I enjoy meeting new people and making new friendships, but usually it takes me awhile to become accustomed to the ‘crowd.’ I think as much I don’t want to admit it, there is a part of me that just wants to be liked, appreciated and respected, and in meeting new people there is always a risk that no one could like you!

One thing that encouraged and impressed me about meeting my classmates was the number of them that are either currently involved in working with youth or desire to pursue working with youth upon graduation. For some reason I had not expected so many classmates to want to work with youth. After some of my experiences counseling youth and my observations watching some of my foster kids go through counseling I am more convinced than ever that we need quality, effective and passionate counselors dedicated to youth.

Perhaps the greatest source of apprehension for me is the idea that to be a more effective healer you might and probably do need to experience therapy yourself. Working with several high school students over the years has prompted me to consider some of the unresolved issues in my own life, and yet I have found many reasons not to delve into those issues and many of them still remain unresolved. In my mind I have known that perhaps I am not being as effective with some of these teenagers as I could be, and I have even realized that it is because of my own stubbornness in not seeking help for myself.

In my defense, I have actually sought counseling at three different times in my life. All three ended horrendously and left me more scarred than healed. I find it quite ironic that I am here today, in school for Counseling of all things! I do know that I want to be effective with the people I work with unlike the three counselors that I saw. I realize that part of being effective is being well-rounded in my approach and techniques, and I don’t believe that I can be truly well-rounded in my approach with others until I take the time to work through my own issues. What a very scary and unwelcome idea that is! Unresolved issues are messy and very painful and frankly I have no desire to ever bring them up again. The only redeeming factor is that I know and believe that I will truly be a better person and a much more effective counselor after I have tackled the ugly nitty-gritty of my own life.

'Real Food?' Why yes please!

I recently read somewhere about a '100 Days of Real Food' plan out there, and thought it sounded interesting so I started doing some digging.  Turns out there are quite a few people opting for a 'real food'  diet….the site I stumbled upon and so far am very impressed with is this one http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/. 

Let me be the first to say, I am not a huge fan of diets….as in I refuse to call anything I do food-wise to be called a diet.  Why? Well frankly, I think 'diet' is a dirty word. To me it implies a short-term, hard-to-follow and highly restrictive regimen.  I personally don't want to live like that and I certainly don't want my kiddos to grow up thinking in order to be healthy or the 'optimal weight' that you have to be on a diet.  If you have read any of my recent posts, you might remember my posting about a situation my daughter ran into in school…in first grade.  She was called fat and told to go on a diet.  This post and the life changes we are making in our home now are NOT because of this situation, they just happened to coincided at the same time.  My personal quest for a healthier lifestyle began when I was diagnosed 2 years ago.  Lots of things changed then and we are still continuing with those changes, just taking it a step further.

Some of the changes we made back then were a direct result of suddenly finding out that several things we were using or consuming were cancer causing….for instance, did you know that most dryer softener sheets have tons of cancer causing toxins in them?? Who knew! Switching to a safe fabric softener was certainly easier than switching many of our eating habits, especially with little ones at home that love all that processed stuff and things loaded with sugar.

I was diagnosed with a Gluten Intolerance a couple years ago, and that in itself is a bugger to work around…especially if you are a bread loving gal like myself. There are days where I give in to the craving and have that amazing looking roll or bread, but unfortunately I regret that decision almost immediately.  I have gotten much better about not giving into the cravings that I know will just make me feel worse later on.

I also started cutting out many of our quick meals out, like McDonalds for the kids or other quick drive-through things all in the name of saving time.  I also started watching the 'high fructose corn syrup' labels and cutting those and other sugar loaded items out of our lives too.  I also started reading labels and watching sodium at fat contents….lunchables for the kids were one of the first things to go. They are ridden with so much junk! I also started buying as many organic fruits and vegetables as possible.  There are things I don’t bother with because it doesn't matter….like avocados for example.  And even though it's more expensive, buying fresh fruit & vegies and not buying other frozen or pre-packaged items tends to balance out the budget somewhat. I have also cut out a lot of meat.  No, I'm not saying we are converting to a vegetarian or even vegan lifestyle, but after you replace some of the junk with healthier options and add in 4-5 servings each of vegies and fruits I have found that we don't want as much meat! Right now, with a 6 & 9 year old and my hubs and I, I usually only have to cook 2 chicken breasts to provide enough meat for all of us.  Yes there is protein in red meat and all that, but if you put in all the fresh fruits and vegies, nuts and other goodness, you're getting protein already!

After finding this 100 Days of Real Food it has prompted another wave of change around here. I would love to say I will start and end the 100 Day Challenge without consuming anything 'not allowed', but in all reality, I know that probably won't happen.  Don’t get me wrong I WANT it to happen, but I also know that I am not a fanatic. I will allow my kids a McDonalds meal here and there, and the reality of buying everything organic is just not in the budget.  However, I am committed to giving it my best shot and not thinking that giving in to convenience once in a while is not a complete failure.  If I succeed in changing a majority of my family's food habits, and instill an appreciation for health in my kiddos then I think that's success in and of itself. 

Thankfully I am blessed with kiddos that love their fruits and vegies, and a hubs that will eat anything. (And I do mean anything!) This means that so far this hasn't been a huge change for us.  In fact, the kids are actually very excited about some of the changes.  Like fruit snacks….they LOVE their fruit snacks, and if I'm being honest, there is one brand that I love too!  But have you ever looked at all the stuff in there??? Yuck! I haven't bought those in a while because they are just terrible for you.  And fruit rollups?  Even worse!  And what would you know? On this site, 100 Days of Real Food, I just found a recipe for homemade fruit rollups!! It had never even dawned on me that I could make my own!  So I dug out the food processor and went at it a couple days ago, and in fact just put another batch in the oven this morning.  The kids LOVE that they can make their own fruit rollups, and all of us think they taste MUCH better than the store bought kind.  You can actually taste the fruit in these! And the best thing, it's only fruit and lemon juice!  The recipe says to add honey for taste, but I left that out and the kids never said a word!

So, here are some of my favorite new recipes that I've tried in the past few weeks.  I hope you enjoy them too!  The fruit rollups are SO easy, if you've got kids you really should try them.  I have also found a recipe for fruit snacks but I haven't had a chance to try it yet…I'll report back when I have!

Until then, enjoy these recipes:

If you are Gluten-Free and /or want a good protein bar, this has such a good taste!  It is not quinoa tasting at all, and in fact I loved the taste of the bar without the chocolate….but I am not one to turn down chocolate, so I slapped it on there anyways!

Quinoa Protein Bar

http://skinnyms.com/quinoa-protein-bars/

Homemade Fruit Rollups (scroll all the way to the bottom for the recipe)

http://www.ourbestbites.com/2011/09/how-to-make-homemade-fruit-roll-ups/

Fudge Brownie Bites

http://skinnyms.com/fudge-brownie-bites/

Enjoy!! Let me know what you think about the fruit rollups if you try them!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

There are very few times that I think TV does a good job of portraying real life…but I gotta say that this seasons Parenthood is spot on, at least in one area.  I realize in this day and age (geez, I sound like my parents!) several TV shows title themselves as a 'reality show' of some sort, and while I suppose that they could be that for some people, I think in general most shows just represent the drama of it all, and not  the underlying nitty-gritty that most of us face.

For those of you unfamiliar with Parenthood, it is basically the life of this one family and all the different facets and scenarios that come with having many people in your family.   This season one of the main characters, Christina, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Obviously if you know me, or have read anything about me, you know that this strikes a chord very near to my heart, as I am just now 2 years post Breast Cancer diagnosis, chemo & radiation. 

I just finished watching a recent episode (ok, so it was 2 weeks ago, but hey! I finally got a chance to sit down & watch it!) and in this episode it went through the process of Christina losing her hair, and the many, many feelings and thoughts of despair that went through her head as she walked into this new phase of treatment. 

Let me just back up a second and say, I have met very few Cancer survivors who were not altered emotionally or mentally by losing their hair.  Yes, when you are diagnosed and you hear that word "chemo" part of you expects that you will be one of the millions that loses their hair, but part of you can't help hoping that you are one of the few who doesn't.  There are of course those few exceptions (mostly men though) that don't really care about losing their hair…I was not one of them!

That said, expecting you are going to lose your hair does not imply that you have accepted or have even begun to comprehend what this means for you and those around you.  I was completely unprepared for some of the remarks and emotion emitted from family and friends who while I'm positive meant well, totally failed at understanding and supporting me through this phase of treatment.  I'm not here to bash those faithful friends, but to hopefully cast a little bit of light on what goes through a cancer patients mind when losing their hair, so that God forbid, if you should experience this with your own family or friends one day, you might be a bit more prepared or understanding of the situation.

In this episode of Parenthood, Christina spits out in a fit of frustration words that I know I felt deeply and yet I'm not sure I could ever properly express…she said that she 'felt like a freak, that she has a port-a-cath in her chest, scars and bruising all over her body and to top it off, now she's bald and everyone keeps staring at her like she's a monster.'  I know the feeling, and I know how angering it is to be that cancer patient who just wants to go on with life as normal as it can be, and just when you think you can deal with it all, you can deal with being sick and feeling like your world just bottomed out, you lose your hair. 

The doctors told me there was a very, very slim chance with my kind of chemo that I would NOT lose my hair, and that it would start falling out in clumps, much like Christina's did.  At the time, having little kiddos at home, only 3 and 6 years old, I knew that this would be a scary process for them and I chose to have a 'Shaving Party' instead of waiting.  I took my hair, and they saw mommy choose to become bald, and I truly think in the end this was a much easier transition for all of us.  We tried to make it as fun as possible, hosting a party, having friends over, even letting the kids take turn chopping pieces of my hair out, and the hubs and my son even opted to go bald with me.  Baby girl wanted to go bald too, and begged and begged, but I just couldn't let her do that!  I did cut her hair short so she didn't feel left out.

But even though I chose when to lose my hair, it didn't mean that I didn't have the same feelings and the same frustrations that Christina felt.  I was angry…angry that a disease so out of my control was happening to me, and I couldn't do a single thing about it.  I was embarrassed…how many women do you see voluntarily walking around bald?  But probably worst of all, I felt like I had lost my identity.  I realize that my identity isn't wrapped up in hair, but come on, you can't tell me that you wouldn't feel different, wouldn't feel like a piece of you is missing if you lost your hair?  And as if losing my hair wasn't bad enough, I lost my eyebrows and then my eyelashes.  Now, I lost other hair too that I didn't mind losing! In fact I VERY much enjoyed not shaving my legs for months!! I didn't miss that at all!  But, losing my eyebrows and eyelashes did make me feel even more like a freak.  Suddenly, I didn't feel like a woman anymore.  I felt ugly, ashamed and embarrassed to be in public.  I would like to say there was a changing point for these emotions, but there wasn’t. 

Many friends would compliment me on how well I was handling losing my hair, or how strong I seemed in fighting this battle I was fighting. But the truth is, it was a façade.  I had to go out in public because I have a family and little kids that weren't okay staying at home for days on end. And because I couldn't just hole up at home alone, I sucked it up and tried to make the best of it.  But  underneath that façade I was still that woman, who wanted to seem pretty, who wanted to looked at because she's cute, not because she looks like a monster!  I hated people staring, and truth be told, had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion!  And unfortunately, it didn't matter I was wearing a scarf, or a wig, or a hat, or when I was just au natural….people still stared, and still had this look of 'what is wrong with her?' on their face, every where I went.  I had some wonderful friends who grouped together and bought me a custom made wig.  This thing was amazing! The guy met with me while I still had hair, and made a wig to match my natural color, cut and texture.  But the thing is, wearing a wig is hot & sweaty business…not to mention scratchy! And since I've never been one to spend hours on my hair or face, I would often opt for a scarf or nothing at all.  And people still stared. 

I can't tell you how many times I would be sitting in church…CHURCH of all places, and I would look over to catch someone staring!  I get it, I really do.  A bald person is interesting stuff….and certainly looks outside of the norm. But weren't any of these people taught manners growing up? In case you weren't, it is NOT polite to stare at people that look different than you!  It is not polite to ask questions about 'what's wrong with the other person?'  It's just not polite! 

Probably the worst scenario I encountered was from a young mother and her 3-4 year old. I was sitting in the waiting room while my kids were at gymnastics one night, and that day had chosen to go au natural.  So there I am with my bald head shining like a beacon in the night, and this little girl not even 2 feet away from me stares without abandon at my head, then my eyes, then back to my head, for a good few minutes. Then she turns to her mother and loudly asks her mother "what is wrong with that girl? Why doesn't she have hair?" After the collective gasp from all the other moms there, you could have heard a pin drop in that waiting room.  Instead of using that opportunity to teach her child that it's not polite to stare, or to ask questions in front of others, and to explain that sometimes people look different but that doesn't mean we need to treat them differently, this mother actually turned to me and said, 'you know, you might be sick or whatever, but you could've worn a hat or something!  I mean, think of the people you're offending!"

I was speechless.  In awe really, that someone could be so cruel.  Yes, being bald is different, but scary? Offensive?  Really???? 

I guess in the end, I would encourage you to be a bit more understanding.  Be more polite.  And don't be afraid to ask questions…just make sure they are the right ones!  There are some people who might be offended if you ask them about their hair, or if they are going through treatment, but in my experience, if someone is walking around bald, they would rather you ask what they are going through than to just sit and stare! 

I was diagnosed in May, started chemo & lost my hair in June, and was bald all through that following school year.  I will never forget how alone, and freakish I felt when I went to drop off and pick up my kids at school that whole year.  Not once, ONCE, did another mom offer encouragement, or ask me how I was doing, or anything!! But I tell you what I got more than my fair share of, stares.  Impolite stares. And plenty of talking behind my back…."I wonder what she's got? Is she sick?"  And while were on that note, be careful what you are saying in front of your children.  One of these tacky moms said things like "I don't like it when people walk around bald" and said it within earshot of my daughter.  So for the next few weeks, I heard nothing but "I don't like a bald mommy! I want you to have hair like other mommy's!"  Ouch.  Just dig the wounds a bit deeper please. Seriously people. We are adults, and you need to act like one!

I hope that the next time you encounter someone who is bald or going through cancer treatment, that you might take the time to first, get your silly questions and stares over with before you see that person, and secondly, that you might take the time to figure out appropriate questions or encouragement you can give that person. And by all means, please use the opportunity to teach your children how to handle a situation like that.  I know that my children had first-hand experience, and it was a tough way to learn, but I am so grateful that now when they see a bald person, they quietly ask questions from me first, and are very sensitive to the fact that this other person is sick, and usually ask if there is something they can do for them.  Most of the time, my sweet baby girl says something like "well, I think I'll pray to God to heal them."  How very sweet and thoughtful of her!! And I think, just the right thing to do. 

I would also encourage you to put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Think how awful they must be feeling, not just from treatment, but from knowing they look different….they are probably very upset inside, and feel very self-conscious about their appearance too.  A bit of sympathy (in the right way!) and a lot of understanding would help them tremendously. 

Hopefully this season of Parenthood is touching more than a few people, and encouraging them to be more thoughtful when someone is going through cancer.  I am reduced to nothing but a bucket of tears at the end of almost every episode, but still, I think the underlying education from this season….about cancer at least...is a very good thing