A new year of soccer
fun has begun, (I coach a high-school girls soccer team for a local private
school) and with each new year comes that old familiar feeling in the pit of my
stomach….the one that comes when I feel I'm being judged for my appearance, my
weight, or my ability to perform fancy-dancy soccer skills in front of my
girls. Don’t get me wrong, there are
actually many situations where I feel immediately judged or inadequate, but
none grate me to the core quite like soccer season does.
Once upon a
time,(pre-marriage /pre-knee / pre-back/ pre-C-sections
/pre-kids/pre-cancer...or should we just say pre-the entire disfunctional body
I'm currently inhabiting!?) I was skinny.
Maybe not today's societal view of skinny, but a healthy skinny. The athletic, in shape and fit skinny. I never, truly ever, worried about my weight
or how I looked to others. I was
comfortable with myself, in shape, playing every sport I could find and I felt
good inside & out about myself.
Honestly, I am not sure I even gave a second thought about my weight
much at all, until LIFE happened that is.
There is just
something about being around these skinny, in shape teenagers that brings out
the inner jealous beast in me and sends me on an immediate emotional roller
coaster. I love each and every one of them dearly, but it still doesn't change
the fact that it frustrates me that I don’t look the way I want to look. It
makes me want to scream and shout "But I'm trying SOOO hard!" or,
"I used to look like that!"
Though not the ideal
weight, and not remotely close to the ideal size, I try so very hard. I have worked hard since my second child,
almost 7 years ago! I work out 6 days a week, often times 2X a day! I am consistently running more now than I've
ran since college! I have worked myself
up to 4 miles at a time. For the girl
who had corrective braces for the first 7 years of her life just to walk
normal, this is HUGE! I bike, I swim, I
lift weights, I do abs….heck, I've even done TWO Triathlons!! This girl is not
sitting around eating bonbons! And yet, what do I have to show for it? Well, that might not be the right phrase to
use…let's say it just doesn't seem to make a difference in the weight dropping
off.
And let me assure
you that the diet has changed significantly.
I cook entirely from scratch, and within the past year have almost
entirely cut out processed foods. We are
a 'whole foods' kind of family. I am gluten intolerant (so therefore
gluten-free) and dairy free. My diet is
mostly veggies, fruits, protein and nuts.
Seriously!??? How am I NOT super skinny on this diet!
Often-times the view
of being in shape and 'healthy' is being skinny, or wear a certain size; NOT
with actually being healthy and working out.
THAT frustrates me. And while I should be content with the fact that I am
healthy, I am strong, I am in far better shape than I have been in a long time,
it's frustrating. Especially when you
hear the words like "wait coach, YOU run?" or "YOU
workout?" and my new personal favorite, "YOU'RE thinking about
training for a half-marathon? Ouch. And
then they quickly back-pedal! "well I just assumed…well I just
thought…well I dunno it seems like…."
I realize we are all
guilty (myself included) of stereotyping people and making poor assumptions at
times. But why is it that we are so
consumed by an image? Why is it that one
is not deemed healthy if they're packing on a few extra pounds? Should they be the ideal weight? Who defines that ideal weight? And shouldn't each person have a different
ideal weight based on their body composition?
I've weighed that
'ideal weight' (back in highschool!) and looking back I look anorexic. Personally I don't care to look that thin
again. And where is the grace and love and understanding for others? Perhaps you don't know why they are the
weight they are. Perhaps there are changes in their body that are beyond their
control right now. Perhaps they aren't just gorging themselves
at the buffet every night and perhaps they really do run and workout!
Obviously I need to
work on my thinking, and I need to work
on taming that jealous beast. Instead of feeling compelled to explain what this
body has been through, I need to just rest in the fact that I know I am healthier
than I have been. I am doing all the
right things, and eventually, hopefully, when I am off the cancer drugs and
they stop messing with my hormones, my weight will head in the right direction.
Here's my caution
and challenge to you today: stop and think before blurting out unnecessary and
deflating words that might hurt someone, and assume the best. Maybe they really could kick your patootie in
Insanity! Or maybe they really ARE training for a Half-Marathon. Even if they're not, what motivation are you
giving them to change and fight for health if you just criticize them?? Stop for a minute and realize that health is
much, much more than being skinny or being a certain size. Another persons optimal health is not always
going to look the same as your optimal health.
