kicking chemo days to the curb...

A bit of honesty over here….and a call for accountability.  The last few days have been extremely emotional and downright depressing for me. I realize this is coming just after Thanksgiving...what should be one of the most uplifting and non-depressing times of the year!  But nonetheless, here I sit, and contemplate and wallow in self-pity over the things I can't do.  I am not talking about 'things I don't have' so much as I'm talking about the energy, motivation, and gusto  (Do people even use that word anymore!?) to complete tasks and do those fun things that are part of what makes this time of year so enjoyable.

This time of year is my absolute favorite!  For me, it is a chance to make lasting, creative and fun memories with my family and friends. Like sipping hot cocoa on a bitter cold day, sledding with the kiddos & our youth group, Christmas music, ice-skating, cozy sweaters and fuzzy shoes and of course, snow!  And then there's the snow days off of school, where the kiddos  & I get to bake and drink hot chocolate with more marshmallows than liquid, and make snow angels, and stay in our PJ's til noon if we want! I just absolutely adore this time of year, and even more so that my kids are a bit older. I love seeing the delight on their faces, and hearing them tell strangers that 'Christmas is NOT about Santa or presents, but baby Jesus being born!' I'm quite positive that knowing that your kids know the REAL meaning of Christmas makes celebrating this time of year even more special!

And yet, like so many other people, I find that this time of year is also my very busiest….to-do lists all over the house, shopping lists a mile long, and the frantic-ness that ensues when I try to make Thanksgiving & Christmas  'perfect' for everyone.  I am a planner and an organizer, combine that with quite a bit of OCD-ness and you get a whole lot of  "but it HAS to be this way!"

When I was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 1/2 years ago, I knew my life would change. I knew my body would never be the same, and I knew that life as I knew it would never be the same.  I had to quit my business as a Wedding Planner because the stress was too intense for me.  I had to cut back on activities because I just didn't have the strength.  I had to start taking more naps, just to be awake and somewhat energetic when my kiddos came home from school.  Little did I know that 2 1/2 years later I would STILL be dealing with some of these issues.

I still have what a few other B.C. (Breast Cancer) Survivors and I have affectionately termed, 'Chemo Days.'  If you have never experienced chemotherapy personally or been around someone that has, Chemotherapy is downright nasty stuff. When they pump you full of cancer-killing drugs, sometimes you wonder if the side-effects of chemo are actually worth it.  Everyone reacts differently to chemo, and there are several different types of chemo given depending upon what type of cancer you have.  For me, Chemo meant lots and lots of vomiting, severe aching, and an overwhelming sense of extreme fatigue.  I remember walking into the grocery store one day just to pick up a few things and the second I walked through those doors I was so tired, I mean a tired like I had never felt before.  I felt like I had to lie down, right there on that welcome mat! I just turned around and walked right back out to my car and took a nap so I could have the energy to drive home. 

I have heard from several other BC survivors that it can take years for these days to pass. I don't have them everyday of course, but I still have them more often that I would like.  Lately I have been consumed with these days. Angry that I still have to go through them, I mean wasn't fighting cancer enough in the first place!??  I get so depressed that the simple task of cleaning my home regularly is just plain exhausting.  And I get so frustrated that the to-do list with only the 'must be done' (ha!) things on it requires sitting down or taking a nap in the middle of it all.  My ability to function at full-speed from dawn to dusk is gone.  And it angers me.  It frustrates me. But worse, it makes me feel like a failure.

I KNOW I am not a failure, I KNOW I am blessed with a hubs that couldn't care less if the dishes sit there one more day (and for that matter, I'm not even sure he notices!) and I KNOW that having my home spotless every day is not a necessity…and I KNOW that sewing that dress that would look just adorable on my baby girl just doesn't matter….but it still bothers me, and it still creates a small panic attack.

I had a minor change of heart last night. (I say minor because I know what I should do, but in my stubbornness I am still not fully embracing what this means…but hey, I'm working on it!) I sat (and still sit!) looking at these 5 stupid plastic storage tubs crowding my living room and silently driving me insane. These same 5 tubs have occupied the same space now for almost 2 months!  I just can't seem to get to them… but I insist on putting them in the middle of the common space so I will be forced to reckon with them….and in my perfect world, they would be dealt with appropriately before dragging down all the Christmas decorations from the attic! 

However, my perfect world apparently isn't always the way I should view things or prioritize. For example, Conrad & the kids bought and put up the Christmas tree last night, and they were so excited to decorate it! But my thought process went a little something like this…'If we drag down all the Christmas decorations tonight then there will be a million things to put away, and then I'll have to dust all those shelves before I can put anything up there, and then I'll have to…..and I know how exhausted I'll be after a couple boxes, so therefore I just will hold off until I have a bit more energy.  And my children went to bed sad and greatly annoyed that mom was such a grouch about putting up decorations. Ugh.

Here's the thing I've come to realize, but unfortunately have no idea yet how to enforce or adhere to.  I realize that my 'chemo days' will always be there. There will always be those annoying 5 tubs of things to put away or things to do…but I know I don't want to steal away memories from my family because it would be too exhausting for me.  I know that I am tired of stressing over a house that is not cleaned to my standards, and I am tired of fretting over 'time lost' when I have to pause and take a nap.

So, with that in mind, I will do my utmost to not sweat the small stuff, to relish and enjoy my nap times, I'll attempt to not think of myself as failing when I simply can't do something right now, and I will delight with my children in opening all those Christmas decorations…even if it means we may still be unpacking Christmas decorations AFTER Christmas!

thoughts of thanksgiving...

Every year when this time of year rolls around, I find myself thinking ahead…thinking mostly of the wonderful holidays that are about to come, and thinking of yet another year imminently closer. I typically find myself thinking so far ahead that I fail to relish or dwell 'in the moment' for just a bit longer.  This year, unfortunately, was no exception.  I don't intend to do this, but it happens before I know it. 

   In our home growing up, Thanksgiving was always a time to spend time with not just family, but friends too.   My parents were always inviting others over for Thanksgiving dinner, and many of the fond memories I have about Thanksgiving are a direct result of having these extra friends around our table. My parents would invite anyone they knew without a family to spend Thanksgiving with over for the day.  Single moms, bachelors, college kids, elderly…it didn't matter, they were all welcome! 

In fact, as I sit here writing this tonight, there is a dear friend playing games with mom, who I remember at our Thanksgiving table since I was a wee child.  In the other room I hear another familiar voice present at every Thanksgiving table. This year however, there were a few voices absent.  About the time I realized these voices were missing, was about the same time that it dawned on me that this year my father did not insist on the annual "What are you thankful for circle."

You know what I'm talking about, where you go around the circle, person to person and say something that you are thankful for.  I must admit, I hated this circle as I was growing up! It always just seemed a bit cheesy and overused.  "I'm thankful for my family, my friends and my health" could potentially be the most overused sentence.  Ever.  Okay, maybe not, but in my world it seems to be said quite often. Obviously these are not bad things to be thankful for,  and yes, I am thankful for each of those things too, but it just seems so carelessly spoken and casually tossed around that I get a bit irked by the pat answers sometimes. 

Tonight as I was watching the kiddos play with the cousins, harass my parents, and both delight and annoy the extra friends at our table, I realized I missed the 'Thanksgiving Circle Time.'  Believe me, I did not miss the cheesiness and repetitive answers; but I did miss the coming together of multiple generations and families,  I missed the tradition of it all, and I missed hearing about the things and people that do mean a lot to others. 

Over the years the hubs and I have had what seems like a multitude of people stay in our home...over 22 foster children, family members, and several friends just needing a temporary home. Many times people have questioned 'the extras' living in our home and sitting at our table, and not once have I ever wondered WHY we do it. (although sometimes we've questioned the WHO!)  There has just simply never been an option to NOT share our home with others.  And today, on Thanksgiving Day, it has occurred to me that the reason I am this way, is all because my parents chose to spend time and energy instilling in me a compassion for others.  And that, is just ONE of the many things I am thankful for today!

the beginning of it all...

"Life is not about the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  This is the phrase that started it all. Well, technically it took a reeling diagnosis of Breast Cancer to start my journey, but this phrase is what truly gave me the kick in the pants I needed to start living as though I am 'dancing in the rain.' 

Shortly after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer on May 10, 2010, a friend took me out for dinner and handed me a little pink journal, and inside was written that quote.  Just a simple quote, and in all honestly, at the time was just another  quippy quote, but not particularly meaningful or helpful.  However, later that night while I was reading bedtime stories to my kiddos, I started wondering how in the world I was going to tell them about my cancer. I mean, how do you explain to 3 & 6 year old's that mommy is really sick, that soon she'll be bald, throwing up all the time,  or so tired she can't get off the couch? 

That sobering thought hit me like a freight train, and thankfully something inside me woke up.  I realized there is SO much truth in that little quote.  Life is one big storm, there will always be problems, there will always been sickness and bumps along the path….how I choose to handle my journey with cancer is something that not only I will have to live with, but my kids too, and everyone else around me. 

I wasn't quite sure how this 'dancing in the rain' bit worked, but I knew for certain what I didn't want! I didn't want by babies to see their momma as weak,  without hope, or wallowing in self pity.  I wanted them to see me strong, to watch me fight, to know that I have hope! So with that new outlook, I began what I call my 'dancing in the rain' journey. 

The journey that began 2.5 years ago has been one giant emotional roller coaster, as one might expect when that nasty word 'cancer' is uttered.  I have filled many journals to overflowing, all of which remain unread by anyone other than me, and yet I still have words that need sound, tears that need shed, and emotions that need expressing.  As I was growing up, to really wrap my head around what I was going through, I started journaling…incessantly.  This blog is an extension of that journaling process.  But hopefully it will be a blog about encouragement, about sharing my struggles and my dreams so that someday, somewhere, somehow it might help even just one other person to learn that life is worth living, and begin their own 'Dance in the Rain!'